It Hasn’t Killed Me Yet

Today is my two year floxiversary.  What is that, you ask?  I understand, because it’s not a common term.  It marks two years since I became sick.  Let me explain…

On October 4, 2010, I woke up with a UTI.  I decided to run by the minor emergency clinic on my way to work.  My urine looked terrible, so the doctor gave me an antibiotic called Levaquin and sent me on my way.  I went to work, took the pill and started my day.  Within an hour, the left side of my face was swelling.  I was shaking, couldn’t breathe well, had a rapid heart rate, and laid on the bathroom floor feeling sick.  I took a Benadryl, my boss drove me home, and I was sure the worst was behind me.  I was wrong.

The next few months were the scariest of my life.  I was so nauseous every day that I couldn’t eat and lost 20 lbs. in a month.  My legs didn’t want to work right–nothing in my body wanted to work right.  The doctors couldn’t figure it out, as they searched for positive signs of cancers and autoimmune diseases.  I kept explaining that I’d been sick since an allergic response to Levaquin, but nobody (including me) really thought that could be the culprit.  Wrong again.

It took us six months to come to the realization that I was dealing with Levaquin Toxicity.  My body treats it, and other fluoroquinolone antibiotics as poison.  It affected every part of my body.  Through the last two years, my symptoms have included:  joint, tendon and muscle pain, muscle wasting, anxiety, bouts of insomnia and over-sleeping, memory loss, dizziness, skin rashes, phototoxicity, peripheral neuropathy, low blood pressure, bouts of constipation and diarrhea, chronic nausea, reflux, gastritis, eye problems, tinnitus, hair loss, broken teeth, etc.  Many tests have shown cysts and lesions on my kidneys, liver, spleen, uterus, ovaries, lungs and brain.  I had a hiatal hernia.  I had hypothyroidism.  It was like a bomb went off inside of me.

So, where am I today?  On my way towards health.  I have a very strict diet.  I tire easily.  My immune system is so low that I pick up every little bug going around.  I still can’t go out dancing, but I get excited doing the little things I used to take for granted–laundry, grocery shopping or playing board games with my kids.  I have some semblance of a normal life again, and it feels so good.  I have come a very long way from that deathly ill woman who spent months on the bathroom floor.  I’m thrilled with my progress.

I’ve written a bit about Husband’s distance through the worst of my illness.  I understand how difficult it must be to watch your spouse suffer, and not be able to do anything to help.  I know he really suffered through his emotions, just as I did.  Unfortunately, he chose to also begin a relationship with another woman.  That, in turn, did just as much damage to me as the Levaquin.  I had been doing much better before the affair came out.  Afterwards, I slid back quite a bit.  To this day, if somebody else brings up Evil Bitch to me, I shake uncontrollably (damaged nervous system).  The illness has left me very ill-equipped to deal with something so hurtful.  Yet, I’m managing somehow.  It hasn’t killed me yet.

Husband feels terrible about all of this.  Not only does he see that he pulled away from me when I needed him the most, but he knows his affair added to my medical problems.  These days, he is being much more supportive.  He reads articles I print out about Fluoroquinolone Toxicity.  He discusses them with me.  He wants to know what the doctors tell me, and any test results.  He’s pulling for me.  Right beside me.  Today, when I woke up, I had a very sweet card waiting for me.  Later, I received flowers.  He wanted to make this two year floxiversary special.  He wanted to remind me of how far I’ve come.  He wanted to apologize for all he’s done to hurt me.  We are both on the same page.  We both have every intention of me healing 100%.

Today, I am filled with such a mixture of feelings.  I am proud of how far I’ve come, but I still miss the “normal” me.  I am grateful that Husband is so supportive now, but still hurt over all the time he wasn’t.  I want to hold him and thank him for making this day special, but still don’t want him to think all is forgiven.  But, I guess that’s how it’s supposed to be.  Just as I can’t heal my body overnight, we can’t heal our marriage overnight.  It’s a long, arduous journey.  And I’m crossing my fingers and toes that it’s one journey worth taking.

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Hurdle #3–Why?!?

When you are faced with the knowledge that your spouse had an affair, one question is always in the front of your mind:  WHY?  You dissect all the information you are given, you play back your interactions with your spouse during the affair, and it’s still there in your head.  Why, why, why?  How could he do this to me?  To our family?  And often, as in my case, your partner will look you in the eye and tell you, “I don’t know.”  After many months of discussion, I began to realize that Husband was just as dumbfounded as I was.

Of course, there were some reasons that our house was a bit more stressful than usual before the affair.  To begin with, Husband was having a difficult time dealing with my illness.  Truthfully, my health consumed me.  I tried to include him in all the research and doctor’s appointments, but he seemed uninterested.  He pulled away, because it was too overwhelming.  In turn, I pulled away because I thought he was tired of it all.  Instead, I became involved in support groups and hid a lot of what I was going through from him.  I thought I was making him not have to worry so much.  I thought I was protecting him.  Money was (and still is) a big issue.  We’ve always “just gotten by”.  Suddenly, I had to leave my job and the medical bills were piling up.  We didn’t have enough to pay them, and sometimes he’d slam them down.  Along the same line, Husband has a job that he hates.  With a passion.  He has put energy into finding a new job, but we’re all well aware of today’s economy.  Needless to say, finding something new that would pay enough to warrant a move hasn’t been easy.  Put these issues with kids, dogs, the house, and life, and yes…it was a little stressful and depressing in our home.  Does this excuse an affair?  No.

The truth is, that Husband formed a relationship outside of our marriage for the same reason I imagine most affairs start:  it felt good.  Have a wife who is too involved in her own health?  Complain about it to the other woman.  No sex life?  The other woman will sympathize.  Feeling not so great about what you offer the world?  The other woman thinks you’re incredible.  She understands.  She always understands.  With her, you are young and invincible.  With her, you are charming and witty.  She hasn’t heard all your stories yet, but she’s dying to.  She’s dying to know your views on politics, music, art, child-rearing, careers…she wants it all.  And you want to be the person for her to bare her soul to.  It makes you feel special and important.  You are flirtatious, and it feels good to be desired so much.  You have an emotional bond with this other person, and you fall in love.  And there it is.  Friendship turns into love.

Husband has a very difficult time with this.  At first, I heard a lot about my illness.  Then I reminded him that he was putting the blame on me, over a situation I had no control over.  He said it was hard on him to not be able to fix me.  I reminded him that if he was really so concerned about me getting better, he would’ve put effort into research instead of doing something that hurt me MORE than being sick.  He said he needed advice on how to deal with the illness.  I reminded him that he has yet to tell me one thing she advised him about.  She wasn’t telling him to talk to my doctors; she was helping him focus on what a raw deal he got by having a sick wife.  Now, Husband realizes that in fact, his affair was all about feeding his ego.  It makes him feel like crap to know he put his family on the line for such a selfish reason, but he sees it.

Friendship turned into love.  It’s a very dangerous game.  We would all like to think there’s no harm in having friends of the opposite sex, but it’s playing with fire.  Am I suggesting that you can’t speak with anybody of the opposite sex?  No, but I am suggesting that you steer clear of anything intimate or emotional.  An example:  right after everything came out, I was speaking with a dear friend on the phone about it.  She kept telling me how Husband was just caught up in a serious friendship, and I needed to let it go.  She told me how she has had a male friend for a long, long time and they have always been “just friends”.  He lost his wife over his relationship with my friend.  Then, he lost his new girlfriend for the same reason.  He finally talked his wife into coming back, but decided this time it would be safer to keep his “friendship” with my friend a secret.  They just couldn’t see what was wrong with being so intimate with each other…after all, they hadn’t had sex!  She lives in another state, so what’s the problem?  I heard from my friend last night.  After years of being “just friends” with him, she is now moving.  To his state.  Into his house.  Wasn’t this the same woman who told me I was overreacting?!?  There is no doubt in my mind that Husband’s relationship with EB would’ve eventually become physical.  They were too invested in each other.  My daughter once told me that the way she sees it, God gave us a gift in this coming out before it was so far gone that we had no choice but to leave.  That’s one hell of a smart 13 year old.  And I’ll bet once she finds her Prince Charming, she will be very careful about inviting friends of the opposite sex into her marriage.  Let’s hope her husband will be too.

So, after six months of why, why, why, I am beginning to feel myself letting this go.  I know why.  Husband knows why.  If it didn’t feel so damned good, he wouldn’t have ever put us through this.  He got carried away in a game, just as he probably did a million times as a kid.  He thought he could win and have it all.  And then he had to learn the agonizing truth…that he is a man, and the stakes are much higher than pretend monies.  Hopefully, both of us can forget the question, but always remember the answer, so we can protect our marriage from ever going through this again.

Is EB Truly Evil?

By now, you know that my name for the other woman in my husband’s life is Evil Bitch.  You may think I’m bitter.  Resentful.  Even hateful.  And you’d be right on all counts.  I assure you, however, that there truly are terrible, awful people walking among us.  EB is one of them.

She comes off as being very smart and witty.  The kind of woman that’s sexy, flirtatious and a little sassy.  The type that men are naturally drawn to.  When she was dating Husband’s best friend, we really liked her.  She had been texting with Husband, and at first I wasn’t threatened at all.  He would tell me funny things they’d say back and forth.  It was amusing.  I enjoyed her sharp wit.  Yep, I LIKED her.  Within a few months, however, this sexy little thing had turned many lives upside-down.  The honeymoon was over.

When EB and Husband’s best friend starting having problems, he came to Husband with it.  He told him that he was catching EB in lies.  One night, while he was at work, EB texted him that she was home.  The next morning, her daughter told him she wasn’t.  She told Bestie she hadn’t seen her ex-boyfriend, but a quick look on Facebook told a different story.  Bestie told Husband that he was suspicious.  If she’d go outside with her phone for a cigarette, she wouldn’t want Bestie to come.  She was very secretive with her phone.  Bestie told Husband that he was feeling unimportant.  EB would constantly tell him about all the men that wanted her, and she would deny him sex.  He told Husband that he couldn’t trust her, and she was bad news.  So, what was Husband’s response?  He chose to disregard his best friend.  He decided that since Bestie’s ex-wife had cheated on him, he was just really “messed up”.  He believed EB when she’d tell him his best friend was making up lies about her.  Nevermind that he was Best Man at our wedding, and had never given us a reason to doubt him in 20+ years.  Husband was in too deep with his feelings for her.  He believed she could do no wrong.

It didn’t take too long before Bestie figured out that Husband was going to EB with private information about him.  Once they broke up, she somehow knew things that he hadn’t told her, like when and where he was moving to.  He wanted to break away from her, and she was using Husband as an informant.  A role he happily took on.  It made him feel special.  Eventually, Bestie stopped sharing information with Husband.  Once all was revealed, he began sharing information with me.

Though they had broken up, Bestie and EB were still texting.  What EB didn’t know, was that after Husband got caught, Bestie was forwarding her texts on to me.  This was when I began to see how manipulative and evil she truly is.  There were many texts about Husband.  She was furious that I had put an end to their relationship.  She thought the only reason they were no longer “friends” was because his horrible wife now had him under lock and key.  She told Bestie that Husband was weak and naive, and she could get him to do anything she wanted.  She told him that if Husband and I don’t work out, he’ll want to be with her.  She was beyond pissed that Husband had her number blocked from his cellphone.  And, one day when she wrote an e-mail to Husband at work, telling him how much she missed him, I wrote her back telling her to leave us alone.  Her response?  “I knew that you’d read it.  As long as he did too, that’s all that matters.”  There were also so many texts to Bestie, trying to play with his emotions.  Telling him how much his kids will miss her.  Telling him how much her kids miss him.  Telling him if he didn’t come see her and pick up his things, she would throw them out with the trash.  Her car was broken, and she didn’t trust anyone else to know where she lived, so couldn’t he please pick her up and take her home?  She’s outside his house, and he needs to let her in.  She feels like hanging herself, etc., etc.  He would ignore her for awhile, then break down and text her that he wanted nothing more to do with her.  That would send her into a frenzy of anger and obsenities.

Eventually, EB wrote to Bestie’s ex-wife.  He never told me what it said, but I imagine it wasn’t too friendly.  Then, once Bestie began dating another woman, EB found out who and started writing to her.  She would tell her that Bestie destroyed her, then go on to say that she is still sleeping with him.  She told her about things in Bestie’s new apartment.  Come to find out, she was using photos he’d post on Instagram and use the background details to help her story.  EB was on a mission:  to destroy everyone involved.  If she was unhappy, she was going to try her damndest to make sure everyone else would be unhappy too.

So, how does one get rid of the evil bitch in their life?  It took some trial and error.  We’d block her from one aspect of our lives, and she’d find another way to communicate.  So, we ALL blocked her in every way we could.  This includes Facebook, e-mail accounts and phones.  Bestie closed his Instagram and Four Square accounts.  We blocked our daughter’s accounts, because I truly wouldn’t put it past her to write to her.  After everyone involved blocked her, we waited it out.

It’s been a month now since EB has contacted us.  I hate to say that I’d ever wish her on anybody else, but I’m happy that she has (hopefully) finally moved on to another group.  Is she truly evil?  Maybe not, but I think so.  Keep in mind, these are just a few examples.  She has harrassed, stalked and intended to do others emotional harm.  She uses people for her own gain.  And she does it in front of her children.  She has no character.  She is a tornado or chaos and drama, destroying all in her path.  And we just may have finally dove into a ditch where she can’t reach us.  Fingers crossed, anyhow!

Hurdle #2–Self-Worth

An affair can drain anyone of whatever confidence they possess.  Am I not pretty enough?  Am I not smart enough?  Am I not witty, sexy, kind, loving, dedicated, hard-working and joyful enough to stay faithful to?  We are our own worst enemy, and believe me, I haven’t been shooting blanks at the mirror.

I think it’s only natural to compare yourself to the other woman in your husband’s life.  It may not be healthy, but it is natural.  In my case, the other woman (Evil Bitch) was pretty, young, funny and also just happened to be psychotic.  I’ll eventually tell how she earned my little pet-name, but for now, just trust me on this.  Of course, for six months Husband only saw the pretty, young and funny side of her.  Yep, for six months she was looking a whole lot better than his wife.

One of the most heart-breaking things I’ve ever had to hear was Husband telling me that he’d fantasized about EB.  Because of my illness, we didn’t have a heck of a lot going on in the bedroom.  So, he was imagining a sex life with her.  They spoke quite a bit about sexual frustration.  Enough that EB said they really “bonded” over this subject.  That hasn’t done much for my confidence, as you could imagine.

For the first few months after the exposure, I tore myself apart daily.  The illness has done quite a number on my appearance.  I used to be considered pretty.  Now, I’ve lost a lot of weight and have collagen degeneration.  This means saggy.  My thick, blonde hair now falls out by the handful.  The bags under my eyes would require a check-in at the airport.  You get the idea.  The illness also did a number on my personality.  I’ve grown so tired of never knowing what the day will hold.  I could be fine through my routine, or I could end up in the emergency room.  It is a hard way to live, and it takes its toll.  Needless to say, I’m not exactly the same life-loving woman I was a few years ago.  So, I beat myself up.  I’m NOT good enough.  I’m NOT sexy (again, saggy), or smart (memory loss) or joyful (scared every day).  I’m NOT worthy of Husband’s admiration.  No wonder his head was turned.  Eventually, I grew tired of this.

I decided that I didn’t let him down; he let me down.  I had no choice in getting sick, but he did have a choice in whether or not to have a relationship outside of his marriage.  I shouldn’t be embarrassed about the woman I’ve become, but he should be embarrassed about the man he’s become.  And he is.  I don’t think I’d ever be able to respect him again if he wasn’t.

None of us are perfect.  Humans have flaws.  We get sick and we get old.  We have bad days, months and even years.  Yet overall, I’m okay with who I am.  I am surrounded by people who love, respect and value me.  Even Husband sees my worth now.  It’s a shame he didn’t see it for six months, but it’s even a bigger shame that I didn’t see it for awhile.  I suppose there will always be a part of me that wants to compare myself to EB, but in the end, I know that I bring a lot to the table.  A hell of a lot more than someone putting their time and energy into breaking up a marriage!  I have chosen to crawl out of the self-deprecating muck, and plant my flag on higher ground.  And you know what?  The view is lovely.

Hurdle #1–Lies, Lies, Lies

When you catch your spouse in an affair, you find that they’ve been leading a secret second life.  This is quite unnerving, because suddenly you question everything about the person you pledged your life to.  That pledged their life to you.  To honor and cherish.  Suddenly, you’re married to a liar.

Husband is no exception.  This has been one of my biggest hurdles, because I always had a great deal of respect for him.  He had always been a very good man, described as “the last of the great family men” by friends.  I would even say that he could be quite judgemental of men who would do things to hurt the women in their lives.  I never saw it as a flaw; just as a sign of great morals.  Maybe it became too lonely up on that pedestal. 

Is there anything more embarrassing than seeing someone you love fumbling over lies when you know the truth?  Perhaps believing what they tell you, only to find out later you shouldn’t have.  I’ve experienced both.  There were the instant, trying-to-save-his-ass lies.  Of course our son didn’t see what he thought he did–his father texting another woman that he loves her.  No, he hadn’t been texting Evil Bitch since I asked him to stop.  Mmm Hmm.  When I asked if there were any pictures sent, he first told me that there were only a couple that she sent of his bestie’s kids at the park.  But even though EB and Bestie had broken up, they were still texting back-and-forth, and he was forwarding her texts on to me.  According to her (and the records), there were lots of pictures sent.  She even went on to say that “some were meant to be flirty and suggestive.”  Suddenly, Husband’s answer changed.  He admitted that they had been sending photos, and she sent one to him of her open legs.  I’ve been told more lies than I could ever count.  Husband lied to me and everyone around him every day for six months.

So, what do you do when you’ve been lied to so much?  You can’t go it alone for the marriage to survive.  You must demand total honesty and transparency.  That’s just what I did.  I made it clear that if I caught Husband in any more lies, the kids and I were out the door.  Do I know for sure that he still doesn’t have some sort of relationship with EB or anyone else?  Of course not.  But, I do have the knowledge that he has shown me when she sent him an e-mail at work.  I know that he has also shown me when she changed her account name on Facebook and sent him a friend request. I know that he deleted his personal e-mail account in front of me. I know that we are paying five extra dollars a month on his cellphone bill, because he immediately had her number blocked from his account.  And I know that I now have passwords to every account, other than his work e-mail (for security reasons).

Not trusting your spouse is very difficult.  This isn’t the same marriage that I loved so much for 14 years, but this also isn’t the same husband that I loved so much for 14 years.  Things change.  People change.  You have to adapt to make it work.  With some time, and Husband’s continued honesty, I plan on making it over this hurdle.  Besides, the truth always comes out eventually.  If there’s anything more that I don’t know, I will.

That’s a novel, not a phone record!

The day after kicking Husband out, I decided to look at our cellphone account.  It was shocking, to say the least.  At first, it didn’t look that bad.  A handful of texts to and from Evil Bitch.  I could get past that.  Then, I looked back further.

In six months time, there were approximately 3,000 texts.  3,000!  That’s a novel, not a phone record!  I have done the math; it averages out to about 16 texts a day.  I looked at one month where he and I had 232 texts.  He and EB had 859.  Ouch.

While the initial shock still soaked through me, I started looking at individual dates and times.  It took my breath away.  On Halloween, I stayed home to pass out candy, while Husband walked our son through the neighborhood.  He texted her the whole time.  Around Christmas, my daughter was dancing in a ballet.  I wasn’t feeling well, but always took her to rehearsals so that Husband wouldn’t have to after a long day at work.  While I sat in a dark theater, he was home, texting her.  Because I was still so nauseous from the toxicity issue, I spent most nights on the couch next to a bucket.  Meanwhile, he laid in our bed texting her.  He texted her in the mornings on the way to work, and in the afternoons on his way home.  He texted her through the day from work.  Husband has been very unhappy with his current job, so last fall, he interviewed with a company five hours away.  He texted her while he was driving there, and the entire time he was gone.  In November, Husband had to leave the country for a week for his job.  The day he left, we texted back and forth while he waited to board his plane.  We texted 18 times.  He and EB?  77 times.  Again, ouch.  Last March, Husband spent the night at my parents’ home a couple hours away.  My mom told me he pretty much ignored them, and sat in a chair texting all night.  You get the idea of who was important to him.

The funny thing is that Husband truly didn’t seem to think he and EB texted all that much.  So, what’s a wife to do?  I’ll tell you exactly what she does:  she prints out the damn phone records.  I printed them out, clipped them together and handed Husband the one inch stack of papers.  He honestly did seem as shocked as I first was.  He thumbed through them, all the while looking down, shaking his head and telling me he had no idea it had been that much.  I’ll bet that denial felt good while it lasted!

Now, keep in mind–this was only TEXTING.  There were photos sent.  Husband also had a personal e-mail account and a work e-mail account.  There were Facebook messages until he closed his account halfway through their relationship.  At least there were no celllphone calls made.  He told me they never met up, nor have they ever called one another.  I guess that would’ve been crossing a line?

Looking back, I’m a little angry with myself.  Before it all came out, I KNEW something was wrong.  I truly suspected Husband and EB were still texting, even though he told me that they weren’t anymore.  It had even crossed my mind that they may be meeting up.  I turned away.  I didn’t want to believe it, or have to address it.  It seemed messy, and I didn’t want to come across as the jealous wife.  I wish I had the ovaries to put an end to it long before I did.  I wish I would’ve told him from the beginning that it was inappropriate, and that I wouldn’t stand for it.  Lesson learned:  if I am ever again faced with being uncomfortable with a relationship my husband is in, I WILL speak up.  Loudly!  And it doesn’t hurt to have passwords to all accounts either.

How It Started…

So, once upon a time I had it all.  In 1997 I married my best friend.  We were the “perfect” couple.  The kind people make fun of, because we never had an unkind thing to say about each other. The kind that other marrying couples say they plan on modeling their marriage after.  The kind that do everything together.  The kind that suffers from infidelity.  Wait, what?

All was well.  I was enjoying my life.  I worked part-time at a preschool, took great pride in my home and family and was head-over-heels in love with my husband.  Then, I got sick.  It changed everything.  I was dealing with a toxicity issue, where my body was essentially poisoned.  I was deathly ill, and wasn’t sure that I’d survive it.  Details will eventually follow, so I won’t spend a lot of time on this right now, but needless to say, it took a toll on my family.  Definitely on my marriage.  As I dove into research, doctor appointments and support groups, my husband dove into a new relationship of his own.

I like to call her EB.  It stands for Evil Bitch.  I’ll just use “Husband” for the man in my life that promised to forsake all others (not that I’m bitter).  EB was dating Husband’s best friend.  At first, we all really liked her.  She came to my son’s football game.  I loaned her my hockey jersey to wear to a game.  EB and Husband’s bestie lived two hours away, so we didn’t have much contact with them.  Or so I thought.  I knew that Husband and EB were texting a little.  It didn’t bother me.  Husband is very shy and had never given me any reason to believe he’d ever be unfaithful.  I looked the other way.

Then, Husband’s bestie and EB started having problems.  Husband began telling me little bits of information.  He always told me her side of the story.  He started telling me how he was losing respect for his bestie, because he was hurting EB so badly.  How his bestie was making up lies about her.  Hmmm.  Yes, definitely suspicious.  He told me that his bestie asked for him and me to defriend her on Facebook.  I told Husband that I saw no problem in that.  After all, she’d barely entered our lives.  Bestie was there from our first date.  I knew where my loyalty belonged.  Husband just took down his whole Facebook site.  He told me that his bestie was concerned about his texting with EB.  I told him I agreed.  That it was getting uncomfortable, I wanted it to stop and he could tell her that his wife was done with it.  He told me that it wouldn’t be fair to place blame on me.  I told him I didn’t care what she thinks of me; just that the texting stop.  He assured me he barely texted her, and it wouldn’t in the future.  No worries, right?

A few months later, Husband took my son to a hockey game to celebrate his 10th birthday.  Two days later, my son came to me crying.  He said he saw his father texting someone through the game.  He saw the phone once, and read, “I love you”.  He even gave me the initials of who it was.  Well, there you have it.

Of course, at first Husband tried to deny everything.  He basically called our son a liar.  To his face.  “He didn’t see what he thinks he did”.  I looked Husband in the eye and asked if there was anything he wanted to tell me.  He said, “No”.  So, I sat on it for a couple of days.  And then, I asked for the password to our cellphone account.  He fumbled over it for a day, then finally gave it to me with a letter.

The letter explained that he and EB hit it off “like siblings” and he had been texting her more than I knew about.  He said that he’s had such a difficult time with my illness, and he needed someone he could talk to that wouldn’t judge him.  That that’s all their relationship was about, it never became physical and he only wanted to be with me.  I made him leave, and he spent two nights in a motel.

I decided to let him come home, though I wasn’t sure there would be much hope for us.  Truthfully, I felt he was suicidal and I was scared that if I didn’t invite him back, he’d be dead.  Turns out my huntch was right.  He admitted later to me that he almost did himself in with booze and pills.

This is somewhat where we are now, almost six months later.  Husband is home.  Some days I can’t stand to even look at him.  Other times, I’m almost in love again.  I know our marriage will never be the same, but maybe we can still have a good one somehow.  I’m hoping that writing about it will help.  We shall see…