When you catch your spouse in an affair, you find that they’ve been leading a secret second life. This is quite unnerving, because suddenly you question everything about the person you pledged your life to. That pledged their life to you. To honor and cherish. Suddenly, you’re married to a liar.
Husband is no exception. This has been one of my biggest hurdles, because I always had a great deal of respect for him. He had always been a very good man, described as “the last of the great family men” by friends. I would even say that he could be quite judgemental of men who would do things to hurt the women in their lives. I never saw it as a flaw; just as a sign of great morals. Maybe it became too lonely up on that pedestal.
Is there anything more embarrassing than seeing someone you love fumbling over lies when you know the truth? Perhaps believing what they tell you, only to find out later you shouldn’t have. I’ve experienced both. There were the instant, trying-to-save-his-ass lies. Of course our son didn’t see what he thought he did–his father texting another woman that he loves her. No, he hadn’t been texting Evil Bitch since I asked him to stop. Mmm Hmm. When I asked if there were any pictures sent, he first told me that there were only a couple that she sent of his bestie’s kids at the park. But even though EB and Bestie had broken up, they were still texting back-and-forth, and he was forwarding her texts on to me. According to her (and the records), there were lots of pictures sent. She even went on to say that “some were meant to be flirty and suggestive.” Suddenly, Husband’s answer changed. He admitted that they had been sending photos, and she sent one to him of her open legs. I’ve been told more lies than I could ever count. Husband lied to me and everyone around him every day for six months.
So, what do you do when you’ve been lied to so much? You can’t go it alone for the marriage to survive. You must demand total honesty and transparency. That’s just what I did. I made it clear that if I caught Husband in any more lies, the kids and I were out the door. Do I know for sure that he still doesn’t have some sort of relationship with EB or anyone else? Of course not. But, I do have the knowledge that he has shown me when she sent him an e-mail at work. I know that he has also shown me when she changed her account name on Facebook and sent him a friend request. I know that he deleted his personal e-mail account in front of me. I know that we are paying five extra dollars a month on his cellphone bill, because he immediately had her number blocked from his account. And I know that I now have passwords to every account, other than his work e-mail (for security reasons).
Not trusting your spouse is very difficult. This isn’t the same marriage that I loved so much for 14 years, but this also isn’t the same husband that I loved so much for 14 years. Things change. People change. You have to adapt to make it work. With some time, and Husband’s continued honesty, I plan on making it over this hurdle. Besides, the truth always comes out eventually. If there’s anything more that I don’t know, I will.