How It Started…

So, once upon a time I had it all.  In 1997 I married my best friend.  We were the “perfect” couple.  The kind people make fun of, because we never had an unkind thing to say about each other. The kind that other marrying couples say they plan on modeling their marriage after.  The kind that do everything together.  The kind that suffers from infidelity.  Wait, what?

All was well.  I was enjoying my life.  I worked part-time at a preschool, took great pride in my home and family and was head-over-heels in love with my husband.  Then, I got sick.  It changed everything.  I was dealing with a toxicity issue, where my body was essentially poisoned.  I was deathly ill, and wasn’t sure that I’d survive it.  Details will eventually follow, so I won’t spend a lot of time on this right now, but needless to say, it took a toll on my family.  Definitely on my marriage.  As I dove into research, doctor appointments and support groups, my husband dove into a new relationship of his own.

I like to call her EB.  It stands for Evil Bitch.  I’ll just use “Husband” for the man in my life that promised to forsake all others (not that I’m bitter).  EB was dating Husband’s best friend.  At first, we all really liked her.  She came to my son’s football game.  I loaned her my hockey jersey to wear to a game.  EB and Husband’s bestie lived two hours away, so we didn’t have much contact with them.  Or so I thought.  I knew that Husband and EB were texting a little.  It didn’t bother me.  Husband is very shy and had never given me any reason to believe he’d ever be unfaithful.  I looked the other way.

Then, Husband’s bestie and EB started having problems.  Husband began telling me little bits of information.  He always told me her side of the story.  He started telling me how he was losing respect for his bestie, because he was hurting EB so badly.  How his bestie was making up lies about her.  Hmmm.  Yes, definitely suspicious.  He told me that his bestie asked for him and me to defriend her on Facebook.  I told Husband that I saw no problem in that.  After all, she’d barely entered our lives.  Bestie was there from our first date.  I knew where my loyalty belonged.  Husband just took down his whole Facebook site.  He told me that his bestie was concerned about his texting with EB.  I told him I agreed.  That it was getting uncomfortable, I wanted it to stop and he could tell her that his wife was done with it.  He told me that it wouldn’t be fair to place blame on me.  I told him I didn’t care what she thinks of me; just that the texting stop.  He assured me he barely texted her, and it wouldn’t in the future.  No worries, right?

A few months later, Husband took my son to a hockey game to celebrate his 10th birthday.  Two days later, my son came to me crying.  He said he saw his father texting someone through the game.  He saw the phone once, and read, “I love you”.  He even gave me the initials of who it was.  Well, there you have it.

Of course, at first Husband tried to deny everything.  He basically called our son a liar.  To his face.  “He didn’t see what he thinks he did”.  I looked Husband in the eye and asked if there was anything he wanted to tell me.  He said, “No”.  So, I sat on it for a couple of days.  And then, I asked for the password to our cellphone account.  He fumbled over it for a day, then finally gave it to me with a letter.

The letter explained that he and EB hit it off “like siblings” and he had been texting her more than I knew about.  He said that he’s had such a difficult time with my illness, and he needed someone he could talk to that wouldn’t judge him.  That that’s all their relationship was about, it never became physical and he only wanted to be with me.  I made him leave, and he spent two nights in a motel.

I decided to let him come home, though I wasn’t sure there would be much hope for us.  Truthfully, I felt he was suicidal and I was scared that if I didn’t invite him back, he’d be dead.  Turns out my huntch was right.  He admitted later to me that he almost did himself in with booze and pills.

This is somewhat where we are now, almost six months later.  Husband is home.  Some days I can’t stand to even look at him.  Other times, I’m almost in love again.  I know our marriage will never be the same, but maybe we can still have a good one somehow.  I’m hoping that writing about it will help.  We shall see…

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2 thoughts on “How It Started…

  1. I am so sorry that you have experienced this hurt. I think you are addressing it with courage and candor, and surely that will help. Please have hope! Many people have emerged from very challenging situations with marriages that though they “will never be the same” are stronger and better on the other side. I just posted about a new book by Met’s pitcher RA Dickey that describes how he and his wife fought to save their marriage after his infidelity. It was very inspiring to me. Perhaps it would be to your or your husband too.

  2. Any sort of infidelity, but especially emotional from my experience, is awful, awful, awful. Sorry you’re going through this. Been dealing with the aftermath here on my end for a few months now. Blogging does seem to help.

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